Mark Twain once said, "the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated." The state of the Lakers is not quite as bleak as it may seem, but I’ll get into that later. Let me preface this post by saying to all of you formally, you were people I played Live with, but, more importantly, you were men I could call friends. It would seem this is a commodity far and in between. Too often we take for granted that which we have been blessed with. I would like to think that we could again, one day, rediscover this same passion for this game we call "Live."
Additionally, this post has been inundated by movie references, hopefully you know the movies I refer to.
Nevertheless, this would not be a true post did it not have one or two scathing remarks about all of you. As a mutual friend of yours and mine, Maury Ballstein alter ego once said, "It's time for the airing of greivences. I got a lotta problems with you people!" Mainly, these scathing remarks will be against anyone who sought to exacerbate my situation by finding pleasure in the Lakers loss, mainly Adam and Bill. An anonymous source has told me that in a phone conversation with his brother, Adam Jeharajah, Adam revealed to him that upon learning of Shaq's possible trade to the Queens, as he so eloquently refers to them, he couldn't help but picture him in an alarmingly tight fitting jersey and shorts. Ugh. Save it for your fantasies you closet-Shaq-loving-perv. Now, on to other business. In the same conversation, this anonymous source revealed to me the origin of Adam's roomate, William Shang Tsung Lee's nickname of "50,000 dimes." While many of you, upon learning of this nickname, may have believed that it was a basketball term in reference to possible video games, it’s actually not. Apparently, Adam asked this ostensible member of the Math Counsel how many dimes there were in ten dollars, to which Lee replied unapologetically, "50,000 dimes." Yea, you're probably wondering the same thing I am, where in the fuck, Mr. Lee, did you get the five from? On a side note, for those non-math counsel members, there are not, in fact, 50,000 dimes in ten dollars, but that's neither here nor there. Regardless, let's just say the Math Counsel is greatly displeased upon learning of this news, and we shall convene to decide Bill's fate, most likely forced exile a la the scene from "Judge Dread" in which Max Von Sydow is banished in exchange for allowing Sylvester Stallone to live. On a side note, perhaps a more appropriate punishment for Bill would be to force him to watch Rambo II: First Blood over and over again, especially for the gun vs. bow and arrow scene, but especially for the sleeping bazooka in helicopter scene. Then again, the greatest Bill Lee-related punishment would be to exploit his one human weakness, his inability to eat more than one slice of cake. This would be reminiscent of the scene from Matilda, in which Principal Trunchbull forces the fat kid to eat a whole cake without milk, pronounced “melk,” in front of the whole school. For those of you confused by this analogy, Bill would play the fat kid. But I detract. Know, Bill, that I have been supplied with several embarrassing stories, including a reported William Hung imitation (possibly or possibly not while drunk in a cafeteria, armed with a camera) and a “I’m a tree-hugging-queer-hippy who likes to twirl lilacs, take long walks on the beach, and hug Ritchie in the back seat of cars in front of a bus-load of menacing looking school children” story. So know this Bill, any one-on-one tournament we have, you’ll have to put up with the detractingly arbitrary trash talk. Either that or I’ll remind you about the time I dropped 100 on you with Michael Redd.
By the way, Mosch, that was a real funny comment about Dirk. But I don’t ever recall once calling him “Irk,” and I wouldn’t randomly mess up someone’s name, Brain. I’m not even completely sure what that is in reference to, obviously something sexual, but I guess it’s just over my head. But while we’re on the subject, trading Dirk Nowitzki for Shaq would be the worst trade ever. Ever. (A Shaq for Webber and Stojakovic deal might not be so bad.) It would be worse than the time Dirk was traded on draft night for Tractor Trailor. Kobe can’t carry Dirk. (And by the way, that was a true story about Dirk and his hair, and Dirk even has acting ability, as we all know after seeing Like Mike in which he asked Bow Wow for his autograph for his niece, who he alleged was also named Dirk.) But if we’re talking Dirk and Hair Canada, then I would have to think about it. Regardless, I would have chosen Kobe, too, but if at all possible, they have to keep these two guys together. I also got into a fight with Adam about who was a better duo, Shaq and Kobe or Michael and Scottie, while the latter duo was great, MJ carried Scottie moreso than Shaq does Kobe. Adam also claims that Tmac is better offensively and defensively than Kobe, when Kobe made first team all nba and first team defensive. He also says that if Shaq plays in Dallas, Michael Finley will be better than Kobe is, and Finley will average 25 a game, and make both first teams as well. This seems like a bit of a stretch. Nevertheless, the Lakers will be all right in the end, as long as they keep one of the big two. I will say this though, Groot, possibly we wouldn’t have lost in the finals ( I know, I shudder when I think about it too, Ryan in cornrows) if we actually had a decent back up four. Not that no-talent ass-clown “I can’t rebound for shit” Brian Cook. Waste of a fucking draft pick, where the hell did he learn how to play basketball.
On to another anecdotal side story concerning Adam. Everyone knows Adam’s love of hating the Lakers, but even Dad was pushed too far when Adam bought a Pistons championship jersey and hat, and started wearing them around. When Dad found out Adam convinced Mom to buy it for him, he was looking for someway to teach Adam a lesson. The next day, Adam was piloting a motorcoach with Dad in the passenger side, and Adam, still swept up in the euphoria of seeing the Lakers lose, told Dad a Lakers story. Reportedly, a sign of the growing dissent between Kobe and Shaq was an incident during a practice in which Shaq slapped Kobe. Adam, while telling Dad the story, excitedly explained, “See, it’s a sign that they hate each other!” to which Neville smugly responded, “I slap you all the time. It doesn’t mean I hate you. Or does it?” to which Adam possibly began to cry. This borders on being one of the funniest quotes I’ve heard in a while, right up there with the scene from Commando with Matrix and Sully.
And Ryan, as for your comments about Phil and Shaq deserting the Lakers, as you believe Adam and I do to you guys now, well, its just not true. (But I did enjoy the analogy comparing me to Shaq while Adam was Phil.) While I agree what Adam calls basketball is not such, I would disagree that we desert you. Adam will still be there, and everytime you see a Lakers highlight, as we win our next title, I’m sure you’ll be reminded of our presence, just as I am of Brian when I see one of his top five, A.H., A.C., B.J., H.T., and K.H. While I do apologize for leaving you guys, I’ll still come back for summers or something. I hope we will still be able to play Live with the same intensidad, although, to be perfectly honest, all of your games could actually use a little more angst. Now, I guess, the championship becomes more like the real championship, a once a year affair. And by the way, I’ll be back mid-August, so mark your calendars. Anyone who isn’t there at that time, I’m through with.
Until then, I leave you with some hilarious quotes from Commando. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, you ought to, but briefly, Arnold Schwarzenagger plays an ex-Green Beret named John Matrix who is forced to return to his old life of killing people when a group of fellow ex-operatives kidnap his daughter, played by Alyssa Milano, coincidentally. Let’s just say, Matrix takes no prisoners. Especially not Sully, the lackey of the mastermind, Bennet, who kidnapped his daughter. What follows is a synopsis of the film composed entirely of quotes. And remember, Arnold had the really thick accent back then. This may or may not be funny for you. It should be for Groot and Zach, they watched it with me.
Matrix: [To the Stewardess, after killing a man in the plane] Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired.
Matrix: Don't break radio silence until they see me.
Cindy: How will I know?
Matrix: Because all fucking hell is going to break loose.
Bennet: Your father appears to be cooperating. You will be back with him soon. Won't that be nice?
Jenny: Not as nearly as nice as watching him smash your face in.
Sully: Here's twenty dollars to get some drinks in Val Verde. It'll give us all a little more time with your daughter.
Henriques: Heh.
Matrix: You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.
[Five minutes later, Matrix has chased Sully to a cliff edge]
Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix. You did.
Matrix: I lied.
[Drops Sully from a cliff]
Cindy: What happened to Sully?
Matrix: I let him go.
Gen. Kirby: Keep on the airwaves and let me know if you hear anything unusual.
Soldier: I'll keep at it. What are you expecting?
Gen. Kirby: World War Three.
[Cooke aims a gun at Matrix]
Cooke: Fuck you asshole.
[Gun clicks, gun is empty]
Matrix: Fuck you asshole.
Bennett: Matrix, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls.
[Matrix has thrown a steam pipe through Bennett's chest]
Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.
Diaz: Okay, Matrix. We have your daughter. There is someone who wishes to talk to you. If you want to see her alive, you'll cooperate, right?
Matrix: Wrong!
[Shoots Diaz between the eyes]
